I have been banned from Oreos (and donuts and cupcakes and all sugary goodness) for the rest of the pregnancy. Apparently, I am spilling sugar into my urine (boo urine! If you weren’t already piss, I’d piss on you!). I have been instructed to eat more greens, consume less sugar and drink more water. *sigh* At least it’s only a few more weeks. I feel like I’m drinking so much water as it is but one of the birth assistants said I should be drinking a GALLON a day. I know I drink about 100 ounces a day but now I’m told to drink MORE. Crimminy.

I have also been told to slow down. No crazy jarring movements, no running around, no stressing out over anything. My midwife wants me to make it to 37 weeks; I don’t think the baby wants to stay inside that long but we’ll see just how long we can go.

We also have our home visit scheduled for the 12th. This is when the birth team stops by the house and makes sure that everything is in order. I have almost everything ready except for some last minute things like snacks and drinks for me and the birth team. I’m not even sure what sort of snacks to get (”healthy, all-natural snacks like granola bars and such”). I’m hoping this isn’t an Olympic event and I have to feed these people breakfast, lunch and dinner. I love being a hostess but not when I’m trying to push a baby out of my girlie parts.

A few months ago, we purchased a lovely gadget called the CatGenie. It is freakin’ AWESOME. Except sometimes it smells like hot piss when it runs out of cleaning solution. And Isabelle refuses to crap in it (she prefers the landing on the stairs). And the little plastic pellets stick to the cats’ paws and slowly make their way upstairs… and into Takeshi’s mouth.

He knows he isn’t supposed to chew on them but he loves loves LOVES them. He doesn’t eat them (he accidentally swallowed one when he started laughing at something that tickled his fancy and the look on his face was one of “oh shit, did I just EAT that thing?”) but he will chew on them, which he knows I can not stand. Sometimes I won’t realize he’s chewing on one so he’ll run up to me and give me one of his huge toothy smiles… and then I’ll see it — a CatGenie pellet purposefully placed between his teeth. Then begins the game of SPIT THAT OUT! The problem with SPIT THAT OUT is I only win if I have something good to ‘threaten’ him with (such as throwing away any toy he seems interested in at the moment) or offering him chocolate. The other day was particularly fun because Takeshi believes my attention span is as short as his and if he can just distract me for 2 seconds, I will forget that he has that wonderful pellet of fun in his mouth.

Me, putting my hand out: “Takeshi, that’s disgusting. Spit it out!”
Takeshi, pointing to the clock: “Kah! Kah! Kah! Kah!”
Me, still with my hand out: “Yes, that’s a clock. Now, spit it out!”
Takeshi, pointing to the Christmas tree star: “Tah! Tah! Tah!”
Me, hand out: “Yes, that’s a star. SPIT IT OUT!”
Takeshi, pointing to my sneakers: “Choos! Choos! Choos!”
Me: “Yes, those are shoes. SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!”
*At this point, you may be wondering why I am acknowledging his little distractions. The reason is very simple: if you don’t repeat in Adult Language what Takeshi is saying in Takeshi-ese, he will continue to repeat his one syllable words, increasing his volume and pitch until your ears bleed and glass shatters.*
Takeshi, pointing to his truck: “Bah! Bah! Bah!”
Me, getting frustrated: “Yes, that is your truck. SPIT THAT THING OUT RIGHT NOW!”
Takeshi, pointing to Esco: “Puh-puh! Puh-puh!”
Me, hand still out: “Yes, that’s Esco. SPIT IT OUT!”
Takeshi, pointing to the bottles of water: “Wah-wah! Wah-wah!”
Me: “Yes, that is water. NOW SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW OR I’M GOING TO TAKE ALL YOUR TRAINS AND THROW THEM AWAY!”
Takeshi… looks at me, thinks for a second, walks over to the trash and spits out the pellet. He walks back to me and smiles and I say, “Thank you; that’s very good.”

Then he bends down, picks up another pellet and puts it in his mouth.

Our first flight with Takeshi went pretty well; he did better on the plane than Jay did. The pressure only bothered his ears when we landed the first time (we had four flights total). After that, he was a champ and kept on trying to look out the window to see what was going on. We ended up ditching the car seat in favor of an FAA-approved child restraint to make traveling a bit easier for all of us — we knew he’d hate the car seat and we’d hate having to lug it through the airport and then installing it on the plane. We only had a problem with it on the first flight but I chalk it up to the flight attendant being a Certified Bitch. As we were landing (and Takeshi was screaming), she told us that it had to be installed by the window. We later realized she was following car seat rules because a car seat between two people would be a safety hazard for the person by the window. The shoulder restraint releases with the click of the waist buckle and slides over the head in the case of an emergency. We didn’t change our seating arrangements for the remaining 3 flights (I sat in the aisle seat, Jay sat by the window and Takeshi sat in the middle) and no one said anything to us. In fact, on the last flight, two flight attendants were talking about how they were thinking about getting them for their own children.

The wedding itself (the whole reason we flew to CA) was a blur of trying to eat and mingle while keeping an eye on our speed-demon monster. At one point, we turned our heads and when we looked back he was gone. He managed to make his way all the way to the other side of the room and Jay caught him right before he walked out the doors. But he did exceptionally well meeting all my family and was able to keep them entertained with his antics. He also gave my mom (and Jay) quite a workout — every mealtime was an adventure.

When we got back to Maryland, I had my first visit scheduled with the midwife. She did a brief physical exam and told me that my cervix had softened (although it was still long) and that since Takeshi was self-weaning, I’d probably do well to wean him altogether. I was hoping that I’d be able to keep nursing but I guess that’s just not possible. So now Takeshi is officially weaned. He still comes up to me and says “bah-BEEEE” and tries to pull up my shirt or reach down the front to unclasp my bra but I let him know that he doesn’t need it and that he’s a big boy. He just nods his head and continues to say “bah-BEEEE” until I distract him with some other activity.

So the countdown to the birth of Baby #2 is down to 5 weeks and 5 days (if s/he is born at the same time as Takeshi). Or it’s 9 weeks if the baby is “on time.” I just don’t see this kid holding out until April. As it is, I am about a week away from losing sight of my vagina. *sigh* The joys of pregnancy.

The other week I was cutting Takeshi’s toenails (I do this when he’s sleeping) when I noticed that the sheets were wet. Hmm, he must have leaked through his diaper (even though we had just put a new one on him about an hour earlier). I grabbed a new diaper and onesie and proceeded to change him. When I lifted his leg, what should appear before my eyes but a little penis poking out the side of his diaper. Apparently, he managed that feat while we were putting him to bed and of course we didn’t noticed because it was pitch black in the room. The sight of that third leg staring back at me made me laugh so hard I was crying (and of course I called Jay into the room so he could see for himself).

Then a few days later he did it again… It probably wouldn’t bother us so much if he was soaking his own mattress instead of ours (which cost about 10 times what his did — yes, we’re the crazy people that spent a LOT of money on our mattress. And yes we love it; it’s like sleeping on a freakin’ cloud — no joke.) Now our mattress has a pee pad — it’s the pad that you put on a child’s mattress to prevent leaks from getting to the mattress — on it, covered by a standard mattress pad and 3 fitted sheets. *sigh*