The (home) birth was much quicker than I had anticipated — only 3 hours (compared to Takeshi’s which was close to 15 hours from start to finish). It probably sounds psychotic, but it think it could have been a lot faster if I wasn’t freaking out so badly and had just let things happen. But the reality is that I wasn’t prepared for things to happen as quickly as they did which is why I was freaking out. Overall, it was a great experience and for the most part, things happened just as I wanted. One of my biggest fears was being transported to the hospital because I couldn’t stand the pain but when it came down to it, there was no way in hell I was going to make the move not only downstairs and out to the car but from the car to the hospital and then once in the hospital, all the way down to the delivery ward, etc etc etc. No, I was content where I was. I was also concerned about Takeshi; I didn’t want him to worry if he saw me in ‘pain,’ so for a long time, I remained as quiet as possible so that I wouldn’t upset him. All this accomplished was more pain and suffering on my end because I was fighting with my body.
People kept trying to put in my head the fear of needing a c-section and not being able to have one if I was at home. First of all, I did my research. I knew what a home birth entailed and I had all my supplies. I also did my research on the midwife that I chose and she had an incredible amount of experience, not to mention glowing recommendations. I also did a LOT of reading on birth in general so I was not walking into this blindly.
I was also not going to risk my life and/or my baby’s life by insisting on having a home birth if the pregnancy and/or the baby were not completely healthy. We had our ultrasound, we did our prenatal visits, I ate well and I also did pre-birth exercises every day. I wanted a home birth because I felt that I was healthy, the baby was healthy and that my body was able to handle a birth without hospital intervention. In fact, now that I’ve had a home birth, I feel that the hospital only hindered my birthing experience with Takeshi.
The only thing I would change about the home birth is the relaxation techniques used (or rather, not used) to help calm me down. My body did not give birth to Kenji gradually — he was flying down the chute at breakneck speed. Although I was physically ready, I was not emotionally ready and that slowed the process down and caused a lot of pain (both physically and mentally). Our midwife did an excellent job of helping me to focus and calm me down and if I had 5 more of her, I think I would have been fine. But just one of her could not handle/control one of me; I have an extremely strong will and I needed to be guided and shown how to relax and not just told to “get it together.” I read Ina May’s book many, many, many times and wondered why they didn’t try any of those things with me.
Once things started getting intense (right about the time I threw up), I shut my eyes and they remained that way until the baby was born. My mind and body were trying to concentrate and I felt that when my eyes were open, I was over-stimulated and couldn’t focus on the task at hand. I never felt closer to ‘losing it’ than when my eyes were open. The primitive part of my brain had taken over and when I actually had to think, I would lose focus and it made whatever I was going through so much more difficult.
Should we decide to have another child, I absolutely want another home birth. It was an amazing experience. The birth was one of deep bonding (not just for me and the baby but for me and Jay as well) and bringing another person into our family. We were not surrounded by bright lights or beeping machines and the baby was not taken from me to be poked and prodded, jeopardizing my milk supply. He was with me at all times and when he was examined after birth, he was never further than arm’s reach.
In some ways I am glad that Takeshi had a hospital birth; it gave me deep perspective on Kenji’s birth. Plus, I was a different person and was absolutely scared of the birthing process. I was a first-time mother-to-be and was terrified of what might happen to myself and my baby during the birth and felt safe surrounded by doctors and all those bright, shiny machines. I was reading too many books and magazines and watching too many shows about what can go wrong with a pregnancy/birth that I became completely obsessed with all the negatives. But Takeshi was never a high risk pregnancy; he was actually the perfect pregnancy and was a perfect candidate for a home birth. I am actually a little sad that I couldn’t give that to him but he is happy and healthy and in the end, that is really all that matters.
