The (home) birth was much quicker than I had anticipated — only 3 hours (compared to Takeshi’s which was close to 15 hours from start to finish). It probably sounds psychotic, but it think it could have been a lot faster if I wasn’t freaking out so badly and had just let things happen. But the reality is that I wasn’t prepared for things to happen as quickly as they did which is why I was freaking out. Overall, it was a great experience and for the most part, things happened just as I wanted. One of my biggest fears was being transported to the hospital because I couldn’t stand the pain but when it came down to it, there was no way in hell I was going to make the move not only downstairs and out to the car but from the car to the hospital and then once in the hospital, all the way down to the delivery ward, etc etc etc. No, I was content where I was. I was also concerned about Takeshi; I didn’t want him to worry if he saw me in ‘pain,’ so for a long time, I remained as quiet as possible so that I wouldn’t upset him. All this accomplished was more pain and suffering on my end because I was fighting with my body.

People kept trying to put in my head the fear of needing a c-section and not being able to have one if I was at home. First of all, I did my research. I knew what a home birth entailed and I had all my supplies. I also did my research on the midwife that I chose and she had an incredible amount of experience, not to mention glowing recommendations. I also did a LOT of reading on birth in general so I was not walking into this blindly.

I was also not going to risk my life and/or my baby’s life by insisting on having a home birth if the pregnancy and/or the baby were not completely healthy. We had our ultrasound, we did our prenatal visits, I ate well and I also did pre-birth exercises every day. I wanted a home birth because I felt that I was healthy, the baby was healthy and that my body was able to handle a birth without hospital intervention. In fact, now that I’ve had a home birth, I feel that the hospital only hindered my birthing experience with Takeshi.

The only thing I would change about the home birth is the relaxation techniques used (or rather, not used) to help calm me down. My body did not give birth to Kenji gradually — he was flying down the chute at breakneck speed. Although I was physically ready, I was not emotionally ready and that slowed the process down and caused a lot of pain (both physically and mentally). Our midwife did an excellent job of helping me to focus and calm me down and if I had 5 more of her, I think I would have been fine. But just one of her could not handle/control one of me; I have an extremely strong will and I needed to be guided and shown how to relax and not just told to “get it together.” I read Ina May’s book many, many, many times and wondered why they didn’t try any of those things with me.

Once things started getting intense (right about the time I threw up), I shut my eyes and they remained that way until the baby was born. My mind and body were trying to concentrate and I felt that when my eyes were open, I was over-stimulated and couldn’t focus on the task at hand. I never felt closer to ‘losing it’ than when my eyes were open. The primitive part of my brain had taken over and when I actually had to think, I would lose focus and it made whatever I was going through so much more difficult.

Should we decide to have another child, I absolutely want another home birth. It was an amazing experience. The birth was one of deep bonding (not just for me and the baby but for me and Jay as well) and bringing another person into our family. We were not surrounded by bright lights or beeping machines and the baby was not taken from me to be poked and prodded, jeopardizing my milk supply. He was with me at all times and when he was examined after birth, he was never further than arm’s reach.

In some ways I am glad that Takeshi had a hospital birth; it gave me deep perspective on Kenji’s birth. Plus, I was a different person and was absolutely scared of the birthing process. I was a first-time mother-to-be and was terrified of what might happen to myself and my baby during the birth and felt safe surrounded by doctors and all those bright, shiny machines. I was reading too many books and magazines and watching too many shows about what can go wrong with a pregnancy/birth that I became completely obsessed with all the negatives. But Takeshi was never a high risk pregnancy; he was actually the perfect pregnancy and was a perfect candidate for a home birth. I am actually a little sad that I couldn’t give that to him but he is happy and healthy and in the end, that is really all that matters.

On Saturday night (April 5th), while putting Takeshi to bed, I noticed that my abdominal area was tightening. It wasn’t painful at all; the only reason I noticed it was because Takeshi would occasionally kick me and that was when it would hurt. I placed my hand on my stomach and timed the tightenings and they were happening every 3-5 minutes. I told Jay and he said if it didn’t hurt to not worry; they were probably just Braxton Hicks.

I tried to get to bed early but I wanted to make sure that if I went into labor the next day that I would be prepared so I ran around making sure everything was in place and ready to go. Even though I had heard of people getting Braxton Hicks weeks before they delivered, I had already progressed further in the pregnancy than I had with Takeshi and I didn’t want to take any chances. I finally got to bed at 11 pm and woke up at 11:58 pm because I heard Jay in the bathroom. I thought, “Jesus Christ, I need to get some sleep in case I have this baby tomorrow!” I walked downstairs to pee and as I walked back up the stairs, I realized that I was sort of crampy. I was going to tell Jay but he was already asleep so I lay back in bed and tried to get some rest but the cramps were getting more and more painful. I decided to time them and they were coming every 3 minutes. It was getting more difficult to breath and concentrate; at this point I was next to the bed, on all fours, watching my iPod to time the contractions. Then I felt something warm and wet running down my leg. I knew that it was definitely time to wake Jay up so I (quietly, so as not to wake Takeshi) yelled his name a few times and told him, “I think my water broke.”

In the meantime, I moved on over to the bathroom so that whatever was leaking out of me wouldn’t get all over the carpet. At first I thought that maybe I was peeing myself; I was so distracted by the pain I thought that maybe I didn’t have full control over my bladder but when I looked down at the floor, I knew it wasn’t urine. It was brownish and thick and it kept coming out and I soaked through an entire towel. Once Jay saw that stuff running out of me, he knew he had to get the midwife on the phone. So about 30 seconds after he woke up (at 12:40), he was calling the midwife (Evelyn), letting her know that my bag of waters had broken. Then he called Stacey (my lifesaver and also Takeshi’s designated babysitter for the birth of the baby). After the obligatory phone calls, he started running around getting things set up (filling up the crockpot, laying down a drop cloth, stripping down the bed to lay down the shower curtain liner and clean sheets, setting up the camcorder, etc) and he even managed to coral Takeshi (who woke up in the middle of all the action) into the kitchen. He also managed to get me my birth ball so I could lean on/over it. (If we have any more children, I’ll have to make sure to get a smaller ball since the one I have seemed too big; I wanted to wrap my arms around something and squeeze but my ball was much too large for that.)

Somehow I managed to get completely naked (because my clothes, although loose, felt extremely claustrophobic) so that when Evelyn got to our house (around 1:15 am), I was in the bathroom on all fours, hugging that birth ball, trying to squeeze away the contractions. Evelyn quickly brought all her supplies in and by the time she decided to check me, it must have been about 1:30am. I wasn’t keen on moving but she said she needed to see how I was doing. I moved back over to the bed and she had me lay on my back so she could check my cervix (although I was hoping she could check me while I was on my hands and knees). Whether it was the timing or the fact that she was touching my cervix, I was hit with another contraction and being on my back was torturous. But she let me know that I was 7 cm dialated and that my bag of waters was still intact — Jay and I were both a bit surprised at this and asked her if she was sure. She said yes, it was still intact and that perhaps what we saw was mucous; if it was, that was a whooole lotta mucous. I was concerned that I wouldn’t be that far along and that I’d have a while before I saw any real progress but when I heard that number I thought, “Thank GOD! I’m almost done!” I also remember thinking that it was at this point in Takeshi’s birth that I begged for an epidural but with Kenji’s birth that was never a thought; when we first met Evelyn and her birth assistant (Casey), they told us straight away that they did not use any drugs so I knew it wasn’t an option. Then the contractions started getting more intense and suddenly I wanted to throw up. Evelyn grabbed a hamper, which we had lined and designated a trash receptical, and my body started purging. I was sitting on the edge of the bed with the hamper in front of me and I distinctly remember wanting my head to be lower. I don’t know how to describe it other than I wanted to pull myself through the hamper.

Then I started crying and Evelyn suggested getting in the bathtub. The only bathtub available was the one in our guest bathroom (which is small and could not accommodate all four of us). They filled it about a third with water and had me walk over to it; again, that was torturous. I wanted nothing more than to just stay where I was and get that baby out of me. Once I was in the water, I was so mad that it was so damn shallow. The part of me that was in the water felt fine (my hands and my legs) but I wanted my belly in the water and once again, I couldn’t get that low. If we had been able to get the birth tub up and filled with water, I think it would have really helped because once I was in the tub I wanted so badly to be submerged in the warm water.

Then what I’d like to call the MAKE IT STOP contractions came on. I was on all fours in the bathtub, facing the back wall with Jay next to me on the edge of the bathtub when the contractions were at their most intense. I firmly believe that I was fully dialated at this point and my body was trying to push the baby out but because of where I was located, I couldn’t (or rather, I wasn’t allowed to) push. I started bucking like a wild horse and rammed Jay into the wall. I had so much energy, it was insane. More than the hurting, I just felt like I wanted to DO something — anything! I started screaming at the top of my lungs — so loud that it was bouncing off the bathroom walls and giving me a headache. I eventually buried my face in Jay’s shirt and that helped stifle the screams (and save all of our hearing). I didn’t know what to do; I just wanted it to stop (and I was actually begging Jay to “please make it stop”). I was exhausted and yet full of energy and I felt like no one was helping me. Casey started telling me to “get it together” which pissed me off because seriously, if I could have “gotten it together” I damn sure would have. I needed someone to guide me and tell me what to do with this energy and these feelings but all I kept hearing was Casey (and then Jay) tell me to “get a grip”. (Later Jay told me that he had to be harsh with me because he said seeing me in that much pain was killing him and he felt like if I didn’t take control of the situation soon that he was going to lose it and then we’d both be a crying mess, which definitely would not have helped.) Evelyn wanted to check me but couldn’t because the bathroom was so small, she couldn’t get to me so she told me to get back to the bed. Hello? Was she insane? I couldn’t even humor the notion of moving but she kept telling me NOT to push, we had to get to the bed — NOW. I kept refusing and decided I was never going to move.

Then Jay did something that made me glad I didn’t marry some 90 lb pussified man (I know, so elegant); he picked me and my crazy, bucking, trying-to-have-a-baby self and carried me back to the bed. Right before I hit the bed, another contraction started and (I don’t remember this but Jay says) I threw both him and the midwife onto the bed. Somehow I had managed to pin Jay to the bed, with me on all fours on top of him. I was pushing into him and I could feel Evelyn’s fingers checking me. She announced that I was fully dialated and could start pushing. Halle-freakin-lujah! Jay told me he was going to get up so he could turn the camcorder on but I told him, “No. Nooooo.” He begged me to let him turn it on but I refused to let him leave me. I felt like if he did, I would fall apart.

So now, instead of screaming, I was focusing all my energy on pushing. Push, push, push. I felt the baby slowly make his way down. Because I had an epidural with Takeshi, I was never able to feel what was happening so when they told me to “push like you have to poo,” I did. Unfortunately, a baby does not come out of your ass but out of your vagina so pushing like I had to pass my bowels did no good; the only thing that helped was the OBGYN showing me by putting pressure on the area, then I understood where to push. Jay thought I would have the same problem so he told Evelyn that I would need help understanding where to push but I said, “No, I know.” I felt the baby’s head start to come out but then I started to feel “The Ring of Fire” and I pulled his little head right back in because hot damn, they didn’t call it that for nothing! After some more pushes and more rings o’ fire, I realized that if I wanted to get this baby out, I would have to endure the pain (and possible tearing) so I grit my teeth and pushed as hard as I could.

Because of the way I had pinned him to the bed, Jay wasn’t able to see anything so Casey grabbed our standing mirror from our closet and positioned it so that he wouldn’t miss the birth. (At least one of us got to see it!) He said it was the weirdest thing to see the baby’s head poke out a little (still surrounded by the amniotic sac) and then go back inside. Evelyn and Casey thought that the baby might be born in a caul but Jay said he watched as the baby’s head pushed out and then he saw the amniotic sac split right down the middle. Then the head was fully out and suddenly the room was filled with the sounds of our baby crying — not even born and he was already crying! Evelyn said she thought it was a girl and Jay said he felt the same way. Then I pushed out the baby’s body and at 3:02 am Evelyn proclaimed, “It’s a boy!” I have to admit that the entire time I was trying to get off my hands and knees and turn around so I could hold my little boy, I kept on thinking, “Really?… A boy??… Really?!” Everyone thought he was going to be a she. The only one that declared “boy” was my mom a few weeks before he was born.

I finally managed to sit down and Evelyn passed the baby off to me. Then Jay was scrambling to turn on the camcorder (since he was finally free from my death grip), and Evelyn and Casey were doing things that I didn’t care about because I was holding my little boy. A few minutes later, Evelyn asked me to stand to deliver the placenta and with a few pushes it was out. So there I sat on the bed, holding the baby, with the placenta in a bowl next to me. We waited until the umbilical cord had stopped pulsing and it was flat and then Jay cut it. I had a first degree tear but within a week it had healed; I was shocked since it took MONTHS for my episiotomy (which I had begged the OBGYN not to do) to heal. Evelyn and Casey were also busy taking the baby’s stats for his APGAR test and he scored a 10 both times.

So that is Kenji’s homebirth story. My thoughts on the whole process will follow….

The picture from 2006 was taken at 36 weeks (5 days before Takeshi was born).
The picture from 2008 was taken at 38 weeks — this morning.

Do I look bigger? That’s because I AM. Thank GAWD I can fit into Jay’s shirts because I can’t fit into my maternity shirts (and I absolutely refuse to buy more maternity clothes when this baby could fly out of me any day now *banging on wood*).

How is it possible that I am still pregnant? We just got back from the grocery store where the woman at the deli counter told me, “Oh honey, you look tired.” Thank you. Thank you very much. Because now, not only do I feel tired, but I also feel like shit knowing that I look tired. *sigh*

P.S. I can’t figure out how to resize the picture to make it fit so if you’d like to see the whole thing, just click on it.

I never EVER thought I would make it to full term but here I am: 37 weeks.

Now if I could just get this kid to come out… I can’t walk without getting pounded in the freakin’ cervix and/or bladder and/or ribs. Every time this kid jumps, I feel like s/he is going to just fall out. I think I have given up on thinking that “Today is the day”; it is now a week past the day when I thought s/he was definitely going to come. Jay says not to jinx myself because the minute I “give up”, this kid will come flying out of me. And then I will be all, “Holy crap, I’m not ready! GO BACK! GO BACK!”

Last Friday the baby dropped. I woke up with a distinct feeling of “Today is the day” and even noticed that the top of my belly was not so round, but squishy. But no baby. Since Friday it has gotten increasing difficult to walk or sit or stand for extended periods of time. This kid is very slooooowly making it’s way down and is killing me in the process. KILLING ME.

I used to be able to pick a side and sleep on it all night but now I have to switch sides multiple times and every time I do, my hip pops. And in case you were wondering, that is not such a glorious feeling.

In the meantime, the weather is getting nicer outside and Takeshi is starting to revolt. Jay tries to come home early so he can take him to the playground because I just can’t keep up with him. I think he is very aware that I can’t move as fast as I used to. When I let him wander around the house he usually gives me a little smile, accompanied by a little glint in his eyes that says, “haha, catch me if you can!” right before he bolts off down into the basement (which he knows is forbidden territory). Of course, it takes a while for my fat, waddling ass to catch up with him and by that time he is elbow deep in all sorts of child unsafe goodness.

I am beginning to think that Jay and I were cracked out of our minds to think we could have two kids.

Our home visit last week went pretty well. The midwife and one of her birth assistants came and made sure we had everything and gave us some pointers (moving furniture, etc) to make things easier. She also handed Jay a “What to do if the baby arrives before the midwife” sheet to which he later commented, “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. If I have to deliver this baby I want a refund!” Amen, brutha, amen.

On Monday we had the first of our weekly appointments and everything looks good. I’ve dramatically reduced my sugar intake over the past few weeks and this time I didn’t leak sugar into my urine — wooohooo! We’ve also been told that I have to make it to 36 weeks for our home birth to happen (otherwise they may have to transfer me to the hospital), so I just have to make it to Friday. I’ve been drinking a LOT of water and any time I get crampy sensations, I try to relax and visualize my cervix tight and closed. Just a few more days…

Also of some interest is the fact that I haven’t gained any weight in the past 3 weeks. I find this odd since I feel bigger than I’ve ever been in my LIFE. It is so taxing to stand and yet just as uncomfortable to sit (the baby kicks me in the ribs). I don’t want to have this baby just yet but I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

I have seen quite a few home birth videos — thanks YouTube (and of course, all those that were kind enough to share their videos)! — and so far, this one is my favorite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0HTiOvOPZw&NR=1

It is somewhat “graphic” and will probably require that you have a YouTube account to view it but it’s totally worth it. And for those wondering, no we will not be doing an unassisted birth; we will have our midwife and her birth assistant attending the birth.

I have been banned from Oreos (and donuts and cupcakes and all sugary goodness) for the rest of the pregnancy. Apparently, I am spilling sugar into my urine (boo urine! If you weren’t already piss, I’d piss on you!). I have been instructed to eat more greens, consume less sugar and drink more water. *sigh* At least it’s only a few more weeks. I feel like I’m drinking so much water as it is but one of the birth assistants said I should be drinking a GALLON a day. I know I drink about 100 ounces a day but now I’m told to drink MORE. Crimminy.

I have also been told to slow down. No crazy jarring movements, no running around, no stressing out over anything. My midwife wants me to make it to 37 weeks; I don’t think the baby wants to stay inside that long but we’ll see just how long we can go.

We also have our home visit scheduled for the 12th. This is when the birth team stops by the house and makes sure that everything is in order. I have almost everything ready except for some last minute things like snacks and drinks for me and the birth team. I’m not even sure what sort of snacks to get (”healthy, all-natural snacks like granola bars and such”). I’m hoping this isn’t an Olympic event and I have to feed these people breakfast, lunch and dinner. I love being a hostess but not when I’m trying to push a baby out of my girlie parts.

Our first flight with Takeshi went pretty well; he did better on the plane than Jay did. The pressure only bothered his ears when we landed the first time (we had four flights total). After that, he was a champ and kept on trying to look out the window to see what was going on. We ended up ditching the car seat in favor of an FAA-approved child restraint to make traveling a bit easier for all of us — we knew he’d hate the car seat and we’d hate having to lug it through the airport and then installing it on the plane. We only had a problem with it on the first flight but I chalk it up to the flight attendant being a Certified Bitch. As we were landing (and Takeshi was screaming), she told us that it had to be installed by the window. We later realized she was following car seat rules because a car seat between two people would be a safety hazard for the person by the window. The shoulder restraint releases with the click of the waist buckle and slides over the head in the case of an emergency. We didn’t change our seating arrangements for the remaining 3 flights (I sat in the aisle seat, Jay sat by the window and Takeshi sat in the middle) and no one said anything to us. In fact, on the last flight, two flight attendants were talking about how they were thinking about getting them for their own children.

The wedding itself (the whole reason we flew to CA) was a blur of trying to eat and mingle while keeping an eye on our speed-demon monster. At one point, we turned our heads and when we looked back he was gone. He managed to make his way all the way to the other side of the room and Jay caught him right before he walked out the doors. But he did exceptionally well meeting all my family and was able to keep them entertained with his antics. He also gave my mom (and Jay) quite a workout — every mealtime was an adventure.

When we got back to Maryland, I had my first visit scheduled with the midwife. She did a brief physical exam and told me that my cervix had softened (although it was still long) and that since Takeshi was self-weaning, I’d probably do well to wean him altogether. I was hoping that I’d be able to keep nursing but I guess that’s just not possible. So now Takeshi is officially weaned. He still comes up to me and says “bah-BEEEE” and tries to pull up my shirt or reach down the front to unclasp my bra but I let him know that he doesn’t need it and that he’s a big boy. He just nods his head and continues to say “bah-BEEEE” until I distract him with some other activity.

So the countdown to the birth of Baby #2 is down to 5 weeks and 5 days (if s/he is born at the same time as Takeshi). Or it’s 9 weeks if the baby is “on time.” I just don’t see this kid holding out until April. As it is, I am about a week away from losing sight of my vagina. *sigh* The joys of pregnancy.

I had intended on posting the picture that Jay had sent to all our family and friends breaking the news about our pregnancy but I am clueless when it comes to uploading pictures to our site. In the past year, all tech-related things have flown out of my brain to be replaced by mush. Complete and total mush. As I type this, I can feel any sort of intelligence slowly seeping out of my ears.

*Edit: This post started to turn into an anti-Bush #2 rant but I will leave all that soapboxy goodness for Jay (aka “Do you know about Ron Paul?… Let me tell you ALL about him.”)*

The purpose of this post: ichiban (Takeshi) vs niban. That’s right; I’m pitting my babies against one another. The pregnancies have thus far been so different, it’s almost impossible not to:
morning sickness (aka PLEASE Kill Me Now): non-existent with Takeshi to all day nausea with #2. I still don’t know how I got through those first few months but Jay did pretty much everything: cooked, cleaned, ran errands, etc. I just sat around, watching Takeshi, hoping that neither one of us accidentally killed the other while the world spun around me. Even now, I cannot be too full or too hungry. If I am either I get very lovely dry heaves (which Takeshi finds amusing to imitate).
food sensitivity: non-existent with Takeshi to horrible heartburn with #2. My one food love is spicy food. After eating some jalapeños (never a problem with Takeshi), I found myself clutching my chest and beating it in hopes that it might relieve the pain that had overcome me. The very next day I picked up some Tums because I’ll be damned if I can’t eat jalapeños on my freakin’ pizza. That is just no way to live. I also found that certain textures in food will not agree with me and food will come flying out of my mouth (if not, the rest of the meal will certainly follow).
smells: There were two smells that I didn’t care for when I was pregnant with Takeshi: cigarette/cigar smoke and bad breath. Now it’s a different story and I’ll be damned if the tuna fish I had for lunch was ok going down but God forbid I leave the plate sitting in the kitchen sink for more than 10 minutes. I almost threw up the sandwich that was sitting on it when I walked by.
hormones: Oh God, the hormones. I have never cried so much in my life. I must have cried 20 times at some stupid Wal-mart commercial. And I know I cried every 5 minutes during Happy Feet. The other week I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and some completely un-tearjerky scene had me bawling so badly I had to pause the show.
vaginal tapping: It sounds weirder than it is. When I was pregnant with Takeshi, I would get these weird tapping sensations inside my vagina; it was like there was a little drummer walking around in there, tapping away, occasionally making me temporarily lose feeling in my bladder and having me worry that I might pee on myself. This time around, I don’t have those feelings — no one is dancing on my cervix (we actually saw Takeshi kneeling on my cervix during the ultrasound), my bladder feels fine (although getting smaller every day) and I don’t feel like someone is throwing a party in my vagina. However, the tappings did calm me down a little — I knew he was ok since I could feel him moving around so while it’s not something I was looking forward to, I’m not thrilled about its absence either.

Other than the fact that I am gaining weight, I have not been able to find a single similarity between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Takeshi. Jay says this is because this child is a girl. I know that all pregnancies are different so I’m not putting money on that assumption just yet.